RoboPub? Happy or not, you’re drinking with me…

A lot of businesses use the term “innovation” to avoid innovating – the same kind of companies which try to earn Investors In People Awards so they can treat staff like shit. So the revelation of an automated pint serving machine had me rolling my “here we go again” eyes.

EBar, the company producing the Automated Dispense Kiosk, have dipped deeply and cheerfully into the corporate jargon box (including describing their product as an individual like iPhone, so I won’t.) The ADK*, it’s claimed, has a delivery rate of 200 pints per hour using precision high-pressure filling, with customers able to order, pay for and receive two pints in 30 seconds. “Consumers benefit from an improved event experience,” the creators say, including “shorter waiting times… and novel technology,” while venue operators “benefit from increased sales, reduced costs and high yields.”

(*Here’s a missed chance to exploit another corporate passion: that of inventing an acronym. Instead of Automated Dispense Kiosk (ADK) why not Pint Innovational Serving Solution?)

EBar are very clear about the target market, as the blurb hints. Boss Nick Beeson tells the Guardian he’d identified a “fundamental shortage of people who are skilled at pouring pints,” adding: “We spoke to a couple of the biggest venues and one of them thought they were missing 30 to 40% of their potential sales because they don’t have the staff to meet demand.”

He’s talking about large-scale events like music festivals, sports events and technology shows – places where people aren’t looking for the ideal pub experience. (Have you ever been at one of those kid-on “Queen Vic” places at the corner of a conference centre during a big event? It’s never anything other than pathetic.) They could do well in that environment – and indeed seem to be starting to do just that.

But… BUT. We all know there are some business leaders out there who, for a very long time, have confused management with accountancy. Some of those are high up in the pub industry; very probably working with the kind of breweries which have come to regard themselves as property portfolio owners and not hospitality providers.

The backlash against self-checkouts in supermarkets – it's costing you money, shareholders! – is evidence that people still like to interact with people. Some shop chains have started to reopen manual checkouts for that very reason. It's happened before: countless radio station bosses have hailed full automation as a better deal for music listeners and advertisers alike, so the only human voices between songs are those trying to sell something. The strategy is almost always abandoned because of course it doesn't work.

Bar staff make the pub. In my recent cruises I’ve discovered a number of wonderful 17th-century buildings adorned with ancient decor and too many enticing ales on offer… only for the whole experience to be ruined by staff who – for any number of reasons – detract rather than add to the visit. I begin thinking I’d be better off grabbing a few cans from the village shop and going back to the boat, saving several tenners and my happy mindset at the same time. I’m not the only one, am I? Nick Beeson gets it – note his comment about “people who are skilled at pouring pints.” while there are many under-appreciated talents associated with making sure every drink that’s poured is the best it can be, there’s much more to a bartender’s role than looking after the liquids.

So, while the EBar is a great idea for events when you just want a drink while focusing on other entertainments – and that’s the market it’s aimed at – trust me: someone, somewhere is thinking (unwittingly or otherwise) how to make your trip to the pub cheaper and easier for them, and less worthwhile for you. Some people in the industry actually want pubs to close. Watch out for a bright new branded device appearing in the corner of the local… it’s not a new quiz machine, it’s a very naughty box.

And I’m not even going to consider the concept of later versions of the EBar being fitted with AI bartender software OH FUCK NO I’M CONSIDERING IT